Direct speech is used to give the exact words
used by another speaker. The words are given between quotation marks (" ") in writing:
EG: "I'm coming now," he said.
Indirect Speech (also called Reported Speech) is used to communicate what someone else said, but without using the exact words. The tenses of the verbs are often changed.
EG: He said that he was going to come. (The person's exact words were "I'm going to come.")
You can turn the direct speech into indirect or reported speech:
Example: Paul said, “I need to get ready for a
meeting “ becomes :
Paul said that he needed to get ready for a meeting or Paul told me that he needed to get ready for a meeting. [reported speech]
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Humour or humor is the tendency of particular cognitive experiences to provoke laughter and provide amusement. The term derives from the humoral medicine of the ancient Greeks, which taught that the balance of fluids in the human body, known as humours control human health and emotion.
People of all ages and cultures respond to humour. The majority of people are able to experience humour, i.e., to be amused, to laugh or smile at something funny, and thus they are considered to have a sense of humour.
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TASK:
To link the ideas of direct and reported speech with humour is the objective of this blog 2 that you have to develop this week ( up to may 15th). Your task is to laugh at the jokes provided, and you have to make us laugh or smile TELLING TWO JOKES, using direct speech and reported speech!
JOKES
Blind cowboy and blondes
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says," Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer(security guard )is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a Black Belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No....not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
A blonde was walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passed a person who asked where had got that and the pig said that he had won her in a raffle!"
The doctor said to the patient that he was very sick.
The patient asked the doctor if he could get a second opinion?'
The doctor replied again saying that he was very ugly too...'
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!
Well, dear students. It´s time for you to make us laugh ! Don’t forget to read and fulfill the requirements!
RUBRIC WILL BE SENT AT SAGAF!!!
God and the man
ResponderEliminarA man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a
few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time,
so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you,
how much is a million dollars?"
God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me
five cents please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.
Just wait five minutes!"
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What's 3 x 2?
A little boy returned home from school and told his father that he
had failed the maths test.
His father asked him, "Why did you fail?"
The boy replied, "The teacher asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' and I said
'3 x 2 is 6'."
"Well, that's right" said his father.
The little boy continued, "Then she asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?"
"What the hell is the difference?" asked the father.
The son replied, "That's exactly what I said to my teacher and that's
why I failed the maths test.
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
ResponderEliminarThe teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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The teacher says to john: “Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.”
The student says “ I walk. You walk” ....
Then the teacher interrupts him: “ quicker please”
And then the student says “ I run. You run” ...
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A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says: "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says: "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says: "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies: "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says: "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
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The teacher says: “Tell me a sentence that starts with an I ”
A student says: “ I is the....”
The teacher interrupts: “Stop! Never put 'is' after an I. Always put 'am' after an I ".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
ResponderEliminarOne woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane, and said: "I'm too young to die!".
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this." xD
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Teacher asks "Daniel, What is the chemical formula for water?"
"HIJKLMNO" says Daniel.
and teacher asks "What are you talking about?"
and Daniel replies "Yesterday you said the chemical formula was H to O"
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Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
Because it doesn't need cleaning yet
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why cant women ski? because theres no snow between the bedroom and the kitchen.
My mother said: " I have the perfect child"
ResponderEliminarDoes she smoke said her friend?: "No she doesn`t"
Does she drink alcohol?: "No she doesn`t"
Does she ever come late at home:"No she doesn`t"
How old is she asked her friend?:"She will be six months old next wednesday.
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A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup or medal.
A: Who will get the cup or medal?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
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Mum, Mum at the shool said me, tha I am a interested person.
Why your partners told you that?
If you give me five dollars, I will tell you.
Doctors
ResponderEliminarA man, has some tests done.
And he asked the doctor whants wrong? The doctor says you have leg cancer. Then he says I have some good news and some bad news. The patient says, alright what's the bad news. The doctor says I have to amputate your leg. The patient askes, what is the good news? The guy in the bed beside you has an offer on your slippers.
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A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and calls home.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?" Shouts the doctor.
"Getting a second opinion!"
Jokes
ResponderEliminarJaimito has recently arrived home shouting “Mam, do not wait for me tonight” and her Mam said “what are you saying that Jaimito, ? why not?”. So Jaimito answered his Mam “do not wait for me Mam, because I have already arrived!”
The English Teacher has bumped with Pepito on the corridor of the school and she says to him: “I am sorry” and Pepito said to her: “I am Pepito”
Worms
ResponderEliminarIt was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers. The
professor had arranged a short demonstration for the class.
He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm
wriggled about in the water.
Then he took a second worm and dropped it into a glass of alcohol.
The worm immediately died.
The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of
the demonstration was.
A boy raised his hand and said, "You're showing us that if we drink
alcohol, we won't have worms."
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Bracelet
A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in the window of a jewellery shop and
decides that she wants it, but she doesn't have enough money to buy it.
Then she has an idea. She goes into the shop and asks if they will
hold/save the bracelet for her if she pays a small deposit.
The jeweller says that for a deposit of $50 he will hold the bracelet
for her for up to four weeks.
Then he asks her, "When will you come to collect and pay for the bracelet?"
The woman replies, "My husband will come in and pay for the bracelet
as soon as he does something unforgivable. Probably this weekend!"
A man comes in to the library and he asks to the librarian, he said "Lady where can I find the book- man, a perfect being "
ResponderEliminarand she said " well, at the end of the corridor is category of fiction ciences"
another one
In a office there is an advertisement and it said "we need an employee". A man see the advertisement and he comes in to the office and he said "I saw the advertisement and I want the charge"
In the office a woman told him we need a person that speaks two languages
the man replies I know that!!! I speak spanish and french
the woman said " whoow do you speak french?"
yes yes said the man
but this is English!!! said the woman
Then I speak three
1) What is the difference between a cat and a dog?
ResponderEliminar"Humans are benevolent, they feed me, they take care of me, so they must be GOD" a dog said; "Human are benevolent, they feed me, yhey take care of me, so I must be GOD" a cat said.
2) A bride says to her bridegroom that she wants to share all his worries, troubles and lighten that he burdens when they get married. The bridegroom answer that he doesn´t have any worries or troubles. And she answer him that,s because they aren,t married yet.
a child asks his mother:
ResponderEliminar- Mama, Mama, what is the date of my birth?
And the mother says
- On April 22 son
- What a coincidence, the day of my birthday!
another one
Comes home drunk at 4 in the morning with a heavy box on the back, so he yells at his wife:
My love, my love open the door!
The woman opens the door quickly, and said:
But what did you bring.
the drunk begins to open the box and pulls out one, two, three, four tires for the car and tells his wife:
Look what I bought.
The woman caught him mockingly says:
why did you buy car tires if you have not car.
To which the drunk replies:
Look, you do not say me anything, because when you buy bra I do not say anything.
Genie joke
ResponderEliminarA woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.
The genie says to the woman, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp.
I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?"
The woman says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,
and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second wish?"
The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new
Rolls-Royce, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage
at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.
What is your third wish?"
The woman thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one
of my kidneys, please!".
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What's 3 x 2?
A little boy returned home from school and told his father that he
had failed the maths test.
His father asked him, "Why did you fail?"
The boy replied, "The teacher asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' and I said
'3 x 2 is 6'."
"Well, that's right" said his father.
The little boy continued, "Then she asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?"
"What the hell is the difference?" asked the father.
The son replied, "That's exactly what I said to my teacher and that's
why I failed the maths test.
A Really Bad Day
ResponderEliminarThere was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Another ane
Mum, Mun, in school everybody tells me that I`m confused!...Hey,kid, this is not youe house... you live opposite the street.
Annie: (MOTHER)
ResponderEliminarBert (son)
Peter (Bert’s brother)
Annie: You’re really must do something about your hair, Bert.
Bert: But I like having long hair __ it suits me.
Peter: mam said that he really should do something about his hair.
He answered that he looked having long hair and that suited to him.
Annie: Well, I think it looks ridiculous like that.
Bert: No it doesn’t, it looks very..er..very attractive.
Peter: Mam said that she thought that looked ridiculous.
He added that it didn’t and that it looked so much attractive.
Annie: Huh! Long hair hasn’t been in fashion for years, not for men.
Bert: I don’t care about fashion. What matters is whether I look nice or not.
Peter: Mam said that long hair hadn’t been in fashion for years.
He replied that he didn’t care about fashion and that matters were whether he looked nice or not.
Annie: Well, quite frankly you don’t. You look awful, especially now that you’re starting to go bald.
Bert: Look, I am not going bald! I just haven’t got as much hair as I used to.
Peter: Mam said that he quite frankly didn’t and that he looked awful, especially now that he was starting to go bald.
He annoyed and said that he wasn’t going to bald. Whereas he hadn’t got as much as he used to wear.
Annie: You’re just afraid to go to a hairdresser’s in case they laugh.
Bert: Well, it’s true I haven’t been to a hairdresser’s for ages, but…
Peter: Mam said that he was afraid to go to a hairdresser’s, because they could laugh.
He admitted that it was true and that he hadn’t been to a hairdresser’s for ages.
Annie: I‘ve got a good idea! I’ll cut it for you myself. Sit down here.
Bert: I don’t trust you. You’ll cut it so short that people will think I`ve just come out of the army!
Peter: Finally Mam said that she had got a good idea that she would cut his hair and after said he sat down there, but Bert didn’t trust on her and replied that she would cut his hair so short that people would think that he had come out of the army.
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ResponderEliminarAnother one
ResponderEliminarMy dear pet
Last week a friend told me that he had been looking for a dog for long time. One day his mother gave one.
He was shopping with it and he realized that his pet was the most intelligent dog that he had ever seen.
When they got to the book department, there was a sign on the wall. Wet paint, “it said. The dog looked at the sign, barked “woof woof”, lifted his leg, sign, well, yes, he did. He actually did it right there on the wall. “Wow, “I said a dog that can read.” The dog looked at me and you know what? He spoke! “I can speak, too,” he said .This was just too much. A talking dog! I couldn’t believe it. I took him back to the pet department, and I said to the man at the counter, I said, did you know you have just sold to my mother a dog that can read and speak? “Yes, I know, “said the man, “but he’s not very intelligent. When we play chess, I usually win”.
jokes
ResponderEliminarJuanito is sent to talk with the headmaster of his school
headmaster tells to juanito "I have had complaints of you from all your teachers. What have you been doing?"
and Juanito replies:"nothing"
headmaster says:"exactly".
another one
a man goes on a trip for 2 weeks and his wife sends an email tells him that their cat died. When he cames back home he asks his wife to be more careful with bad news and tray to say in this way... you have to send me an email saying :"the cat climbs to the roof". Then you have to send me another email saying : "The cat falls from roof" and finally another one telling me :"The cat died".And his wife understands the idea and promises him never forget it, his husband goes again on a bussines trip and one day he recibe an email from his wife telling him "your mother climbs to the roof"
change of name
A man goes to civil registry office and asks to the administrative employee "I want to change my name" the administrative employee asks him "What's your name?" The man replies "My name is Vistor" and the administrative employee asks "and How would you like to be named?" And the man answers with a smile "Hestor"
the last one:
juanito arrived late to school and the teacher asked him "juanito why are you late?"
juanito answered "beacuse there was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill"
teacher said "That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?" and juanito replied "No. I was standing on it".
1- One day my father told me this, once upon a family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father mouse jumped and said, "Bow-Wow!"The cat run away. "What was that, father?"Asked baby mouse."Well,son,that`s why it`s important to learn a secon language".
ResponderEliminar2-My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him,"what was the name of his other leg?"